Sample Ruling in the matter of:
First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton
Scripture text: The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat. (Genesis 3:13)
The court is having great difficulty acknowledging Mrs.Hillary Clinton as the First Lady. Anyone with biblical knowledge knows that Eve was the first lady; however, given the state of men in general, and Johnny Carson and Bill Clinton in particular, since she was extricated from Adam's ribcage, the court has its doubts about her. The court finds that Eve was a bad apple, rotten to the Gore. Thanks to Eve and her ability to pass on her serpentine-laced genes, the court is now awash in the murky waves of Whitewater and the contaminated foam of money-laundering.
The court is particularly concerned with the uncanny resemblance Mrs. Hillary Clinton bears to Mmes. Sharon Stone and Rebecca Du Mornay, both beautiful, but murderous, women of the Silver Screen. The court notes it has never seen the three women in the same room at the same time.
Returning to Eve, there is no record of her death in any version or translation of the Bible. With the miracle of modern medicine, i.e., facelifts, breast implants, tummy tucks, and the reconfiguration of the glutei maximus, it is entirely possible that Eve is still in our midst. The court knows for a fact she showed up several hundred years ago using the alias Pandora. This time, instead of munching on forbidden fruit, she was carting around a small box which she was told not to open. Heedless to the lesson she should have learned when expurgated from "The Garden," she opened the box and unleashed an untold amount of misery on the world. It was this act that warranted the creation of "Special Prosecutors," most of whom are now keeping close watch on the White House.
With all the information now propounded, the court is prepared to rule.
It is Therefore The Finding of This High Tribunal:
The best of all possible worlds is for President Clinton and her Administrative Assistant, Uncle Billy, to pack their bags, throw Chelsea and little Sox into the back seat of the Mustang, and head back to the Arkansas woods from whence they came.
And what about Paula Jones?
EXECUTE JUDGMENT
NOTICE: THIS RULING NEITHER PORTENDS NOR CARRIES LEGAL FORCE OR EFFECT. THE COMMENTS CONTAINED HEREIN ARE MERELY A POINT OF VIEW.
NEXT MONTH'S RULING: Smoking in Heaven
P. S. If you act up about this, the Court might rule that football has to go. The Court feels that football is just an excuse for a bunch of big-bellied, beer-guzzlin' homo sapiens to get together and have a big-eyed time. Ridiculous! There are thousands, yea millions, of wives and girlfriends who would agree with me.
